Recently, we moved our computer area out to the front of our house in the side living room. I now look out a window. I love it. I have a perfect view from here, where i can sit and see the different trees. Right now they are changing colors. I love Fall!
What a beauty my eyes are beholding as they gleam out the window! Orange, red, dark green, yellow, colors of vibrancy and life! Glistening in the dew of morning, and fiery red with the stare of the Sun. Shaking gently with the warm breeze, fall comes in gently as we await the arrival for the change of season. My heart skips as it dreams of "yet to come". Holding on to the hope of newness and revival. I hunger for a change in my heart. Wishing for my lazy dim witted tendencies to die and reignite with the Savior if my Soul. Seeking always seeking what I know, turning my head from the truth and falling for the seed of deception. Lord of my heart, You always amaze me. Let your Kingdom come into me, and into my life.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Blame it on a full moon...
Blame it on the moon. Blame it on a glass of Iced Tea at 9p.m. Blame it on Melville.
A song i am listening to at the moment, has the line " Do you mind? Do you mind if I share LOVE with you?"
I am here, sitting in my home, with my family tucked in, sleeping tight, because someone shared LOVE with me. Have I? Do I? Do I share love with my children? Do I share love with my husband? Do I share love? THE LOVE. THE LOVE, that is so pure, so humble, honest, outspoken, and undeserving. Do i share it? Will I? Can I?
My love can be guarded and hidden, beneath a vast array of hurt, insecurity, and sense of entitlement. I don't know why. Why would i keep the message of Jesus hidden? Because i don't think i can do it today? Where do i get off? How vain and putrid can a person be, that I think " not feeling it today" is an excuse to let another person go on hurting.
I remember my days of past all to vividly and quickly still, but I also remembering how many tears and pains i felt, wishing that someone would take it all away. That I wished my life was different and not filled with despair. And God provided that. No one else. In a small office room, with chaos, and hurt everywhere, I was asked to believe in Jesus. I was told of this man. A man, yet a healer, precious redeemer, and glorious Messiah, all wrapped up in my sin, my shame, my lies, betrayals, my stink, my anger, my venom, my evil ways, He hung. alone. Bleeding, weeping, dying. For me. me. you. YOU. YOU. Not one person to be turned away. Because God is so much more then a three letter word, to say about our Creator who knows so much more, and loves with all that He is. He is LOVE.
A song i am listening to at the moment, has the line " Do you mind? Do you mind if I share LOVE with you?"
I am here, sitting in my home, with my family tucked in, sleeping tight, because someone shared LOVE with me. Have I? Do I? Do I share love with my children? Do I share love with my husband? Do I share love? THE LOVE. THE LOVE, that is so pure, so humble, honest, outspoken, and undeserving. Do i share it? Will I? Can I?
My love can be guarded and hidden, beneath a vast array of hurt, insecurity, and sense of entitlement. I don't know why. Why would i keep the message of Jesus hidden? Because i don't think i can do it today? Where do i get off? How vain and putrid can a person be, that I think " not feeling it today" is an excuse to let another person go on hurting.
I remember my days of past all to vividly and quickly still, but I also remembering how many tears and pains i felt, wishing that someone would take it all away. That I wished my life was different and not filled with despair. And God provided that. No one else. In a small office room, with chaos, and hurt everywhere, I was asked to believe in Jesus. I was told of this man. A man, yet a healer, precious redeemer, and glorious Messiah, all wrapped up in my sin, my shame, my lies, betrayals, my stink, my anger, my venom, my evil ways, He hung. alone. Bleeding, weeping, dying. For me. me. you. YOU. YOU. Not one person to be turned away. Because God is so much more then a three letter word, to say about our Creator who knows so much more, and loves with all that He is. He is LOVE.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The WALL
The other day I drove to Laramie WY. to speak to a group of ladies and tell my story. I have done this for the last 9 years of my redemptive life. This trip had a different "feel" for me. Usually when i tell others about my life I can sorta compartmentalize my emotions and feelings and tell it with effect and interest but it doesn't have to touch that wall I've built.
THE WALL.
You know the one. That invisible, secret, indestructible, yet paper thin when just the right words cut deep enough, WALL. That wall, that has deep ravines, and trenches, and booby traps, and grenades all around it. Well, that wall of mine, it got shattered on this particular Tuesday. And it hurts. It sucks. It feels foreign and helpless. It feels...
Feelings suck. They mislead you. They hinder my already fragile sanity and take them on rampant outings to places I wish i never knew. I find myself vulnerable. Usually when i am feeling that way, I'll quickly start patching up the "holes" with cheap alternatives and quick fixes, much like a college student uses toothpaste to cover the holes when he/she moves out of the door room. This time though, I ( finally allow myself to) hear the small quiet voice of my Heavenly Father saying: " Try to heal. Let go. Give it to me." And what to do i say in return? " Give it to you? Are you sure? I can't do that! How can i do that! The only way i know how to survive is to live off of this fear, this guilt ridden existence that I've allowed for so long!" And as i type this I come to a realization that I am sure for many of you have already figured out. I don't know how to function outside of that guilt and hurt and betrayal and lack of self esteem. Who would i be if i gave it all up? How would i reflect my past so eloquently (as some have said I do ) if i don't have the self loathing to back it up?
I sit here and i am reminded of a day where I had been awake for at least 2 and 1/2 days straight with enough cocaine in me to fly a jet plane, and I had just left the room of the 3rd guy i had slept with to get one more" bump " to get me through the day, and I realized that I had no idea what day it was. I was 19. I was alone. I had no one. I lived in dump. I worked at a porn shop. I was a piece of flesh to so many men, and I had allowed it. Why would anyone want me "saved" What good would I do to humanity if i was still in it?
So why do i tell you about this little piece of me? Because I still, in some small but significant ways feel that I am no good to humanity. What have i done to improve it since I said those wonderful words of who Jesus Christ is? I have been selfish. I have been in-just. I have been lazy and in-different. I read the Word. I know how i am to live and then I push it aside. I choose to lay in my pile of crud, my self loathing and hurt and not improve my self. I don't allow God to be God. I am still trying to be my own savior. My own healer. Look how that has turned out.
So, here is a tiny portion of my thoughts that have been in my "wall" for some time.
Don't get me wrong. I love my life i have. I am forever grateful for my life. I am still trying to allow my self to accept it.
THE WALL.
You know the one. That invisible, secret, indestructible, yet paper thin when just the right words cut deep enough, WALL. That wall, that has deep ravines, and trenches, and booby traps, and grenades all around it. Well, that wall of mine, it got shattered on this particular Tuesday. And it hurts. It sucks. It feels foreign and helpless. It feels...
Feelings suck. They mislead you. They hinder my already fragile sanity and take them on rampant outings to places I wish i never knew. I find myself vulnerable. Usually when i am feeling that way, I'll quickly start patching up the "holes" with cheap alternatives and quick fixes, much like a college student uses toothpaste to cover the holes when he/she moves out of the door room. This time though, I ( finally allow myself to) hear the small quiet voice of my Heavenly Father saying: " Try to heal. Let go. Give it to me." And what to do i say in return? " Give it to you? Are you sure? I can't do that! How can i do that! The only way i know how to survive is to live off of this fear, this guilt ridden existence that I've allowed for so long!" And as i type this I come to a realization that I am sure for many of you have already figured out. I don't know how to function outside of that guilt and hurt and betrayal and lack of self esteem. Who would i be if i gave it all up? How would i reflect my past so eloquently (as some have said I do ) if i don't have the self loathing to back it up?
I sit here and i am reminded of a day where I had been awake for at least 2 and 1/2 days straight with enough cocaine in me to fly a jet plane, and I had just left the room of the 3rd guy i had slept with to get one more" bump " to get me through the day, and I realized that I had no idea what day it was. I was 19. I was alone. I had no one. I lived in dump. I worked at a porn shop. I was a piece of flesh to so many men, and I had allowed it. Why would anyone want me "saved" What good would I do to humanity if i was still in it?
So why do i tell you about this little piece of me? Because I still, in some small but significant ways feel that I am no good to humanity. What have i done to improve it since I said those wonderful words of who Jesus Christ is? I have been selfish. I have been in-just. I have been lazy and in-different. I read the Word. I know how i am to live and then I push it aside. I choose to lay in my pile of crud, my self loathing and hurt and not improve my self. I don't allow God to be God. I am still trying to be my own savior. My own healer. Look how that has turned out.
So, here is a tiny portion of my thoughts that have been in my "wall" for some time.
Don't get me wrong. I love my life i have. I am forever grateful for my life. I am still trying to allow my self to accept it.
Friday, January 15, 2010
The last nail in the coffin
Well, it's official, i believe the last nail in the coffin of becoming my mother happened at 7:57 a.m. this morning.
As Emzie and Shane were getting ready to head out the door to walk to school, Emzie was complaining because she wanted to play on the computer and when i stated that she chose to eat her breakfast for 40 minutes that didn't leave her anytime to play on the computer, she started to get upset and whine, and then the words came: " you're right you have such a hard life, forget the kids in Haiti that have been trapped in homes and schools for 3 days with no water, you getting no computer time is the worst thing ever."
Back in my day the whole statement of " starving kids in Africa" was the line used by parents to make us feel guilty for our waste and selfish behavior, and in less then 3 days i have turned the horrible devastation of Haiti into a tool of guilt.
It's days like these that i am thankful that Our God is not a God of " I told you so's" but a God of (especially in my case) MERCY.
Sweet Mercy. I love that word. On the days where i would be thinking to myself about others " foolish mortal" My God is saying: " Child, that's not a good way. You are better then this. You can try again. I know you can do this and do it this time with MY Love."
I don't know why my brain tends to go to the guilt and manipulative ways first, but I pray that I will start to choose grace and mercy instead. And soon.
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