The Red Bat

What does a 2 and 1/2 year old boy think to do when he comes across cat poop on our sidewalk?
Why he takes his red bat and smashes it to pieces of course!

My son has not failed to amaze me in his 2 almost 3 years of life. Some people think i am exaggerating when i tell them that the first thing my son crawled to when he learned to crawl was the extension cord and try to bite it. No lie! It was then i realized that this would be my child that would always take me by surprise and not to be shocked by some of the ideas he has. To him they will be reasonable and sensible and though through. To his father and i, they will seem reckless and strange. That got me thinking though. How many times do i do something that seems reckless, strange, and most of all sinful in the sights of my heavenly Father?
In some ways i am picking up that red bat smashing poop everywhere, each time i judge another person for something i don't think they did right, or how about when i decide that i need to tell my frustrations to just ONE more person, because the last 2 just weren't enough?
Smash, smash, smash! Grind, Grind, Grind!
Then comes the best part " Mom! I smashed poop all over!" clean it up for me! I can't do it!"
Me: " hey God! Umm i messed up again! I blurted my mouth all over again! Can you clean it up for me?"
ahh.... the grace and mercy i am discovering that i receive minute by precious minute from our loving Father, all because i have kids that are my greatest gift in mercy, grace, and love.

I don't know if you would want to read this

Today is a day where i am mentally drained and fatigues in my head. I am tired of the constant nagging that my "voice" is telling me i should know better , and i am exhausted in the continual aggravation i have with the repeats that i do. I am drained. I feel depleted and worthless. I have even thought i would be better in hell then here because i just can't seem to get it together. I stare at this screen trying to form the thoughts to explain to my 2 followers why i would even think that way. I have no answer. I believe my thinking has been broken for along time running now. No matter how much i try to think positive, read the Bible, focus on love being a verb, and give my troubles to the Lord. I am still the same. I still am angry. I still feel not worthy of this life i have been given. I search for words to describe my head and all i can come up with is: intelligent but stupid.
I hate that i am this way. Nay loathe. I should be grateful for the redemption that i have received, which i am, but my actions and words to my children would not explain that to anyone with a heartbeat. I am discovering past hurts and insecurities that are still alive in my heart and mind and it grieves me. Why would a girl like me be allowed children? Good friends who encourage, cheer me on, and uplift me no matter how many times i dump on them. Why? I don't deserve them. I don't deserve my husband who has never raised his voice in anger towards me. Who sees me as beautiful, yet all i see are the damages from others.

Again, and again, and again, Jesus forgives me. Again, and again, and again. I am HIS. Again, and again and again. Forever HIS. This broken shell of a woman, mother, wife, sister, friend. Jesus holds me. He soothes me. Reconciles my selfish thoughts and anger with God. He restores my mind for the time being until i tear it down again with disbelief. Again and again and again. My Redeemer.