The WALL

The other day I drove to Laramie WY. to speak to a group of ladies and tell my story. I have done this for the last 9 years of my redemptive life. This trip had a different "feel" for me. Usually when i tell others about my life I can sorta compartmentalize my emotions and feelings and tell it with effect and interest but it doesn't have to touch that wall I've built.
THE WALL.
You know the one. That invisible, secret, indestructible, yet paper thin when just the right words cut deep enough, WALL. That wall, that has deep ravines, and trenches, and booby traps, and grenades all around it. Well, that wall of mine, it got shattered on this particular Tuesday. And it hurts. It sucks. It feels foreign and helpless. It feels...
Feelings suck. They mislead you. They hinder my already fragile sanity and take them on rampant outings to places I wish i never knew. I find myself vulnerable. Usually when i am feeling that way, I'll quickly start patching up the "holes" with cheap alternatives and quick fixes, much like a college student uses toothpaste to cover the holes when he/she moves out of the door room. This time though, I ( finally allow myself to) hear the small quiet voice of my Heavenly Father saying: " Try to heal. Let go. Give it to me." And what to do i say in return? " Give it to you? Are you sure? I can't do that! How can i do that! The only way i know how to survive is to live off of this fear, this guilt ridden existence that I've allowed for so long!" And as i type this I come to a realization that I am sure for many of you have already figured out. I don't know how to function outside of that guilt and hurt and betrayal and lack of self esteem. Who would i be if i gave it all up? How would i reflect my past so eloquently (as some have said I do ) if i don't have the self loathing to back it up?
I sit here and i am reminded of a day where I had been awake for at least 2 and 1/2 days straight with enough cocaine in me to fly a jet plane, and I had just left the room of the 3rd guy i had slept with to get one more" bump " to get me through the day, and I realized that I had no idea what day it was. I was 19. I was alone. I had no one. I lived in dump. I worked at a porn shop. I was a piece of flesh to so many men, and I had allowed it. Why would anyone want me "saved" What good would I do to humanity if i was still in it?

So why do i tell you about this little piece of me? Because I still, in some small but significant ways feel that I am no good to humanity. What have i done to improve it since I said those wonderful words of who Jesus Christ is? I have been selfish. I have been in-just. I have been lazy and in-different. I read the Word. I know how i am to live and then I push it aside. I choose to lay in my pile of crud, my self loathing and hurt and not improve my self. I don't allow God to be God. I am still trying to be my own savior. My own healer. Look how that has turned out.
So, here is a tiny portion of my thoughts that have been in my "wall" for some time.
Don't get me wrong. I love my life i have. I am forever grateful for my life. I am still trying to allow my self to accept it.