Well, anyone that knows me well, knows that i am a "feeler" i feel more then i think. I know that i should think before i feel, but well then i wouldn't be me.
My thoughts right now are on overdrive. I feel myself slipping into my shell again. I feel myself wanting to resist talking about Emzie and working on what we need to do. I know as a parent i need to be my daughters advocate and i want but i feel so inadequately inept and unworthy to be her mother that i am wallowing in self pity and self doubt. Since last Friday my heart aches more so then it ever has. Last Friday we discovered after 2 days of Emzie being in Kindergarten that her teacher had no idea that she was diagnosed with Asperger's. Since then the teacher still seems to be frustrated and not researching any ways in making her time with Emzie easier in her classroom. I am fighting my normal instinct to run and take her out of school but, let me say it's a big forefront on my mind. I am thankful for my God who knows all, is all, and is I AM. I am refreshed in the fact that I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength. I will admit that i forget this fact very, very, very, often and that I tend to listen to satan's voice more then God's sadly because my self worth is so self depreciated that it makes more sense then God's all knowing love and mercy that awaits me always. I know i need to cling to what is good. I will also admit i suck at it. I am mad. I am exhausted. I am humbled. I honestly don't know what else to say except that i will continue to write more on this so that i don't go crazy. Stay tuned and check back often i need this outlet.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
The Red Bat
What does a 2 and 1/2 year old boy think to do when he comes across cat poop on our sidewalk?
Why he takes his red bat and smashes it to pieces of course!
My son has not failed to amaze me in his 2 almost 3 years of life. Some people think i am exaggerating when i tell them that the first thing my son crawled to when he learned to crawl was the extension cord and try to bite it. No lie! It was then i realized that this would be my child that would always take me by surprise and not to be shocked by some of the ideas he has. To him they will be reasonable and sensible and though through. To his father and i, they will seem reckless and strange. That got me thinking though. How many times do i do something that seems reckless, strange, and most of all sinful in the sights of my heavenly Father?
In some ways i am picking up that red bat smashing poop everywhere, each time i judge another person for something i don't think they did right, or how about when i decide that i need to tell my frustrations to just ONE more person, because the last 2 just weren't enough?
Smash, smash, smash! Grind, Grind, Grind!
Then comes the best part " Mom! I smashed poop all over!" clean it up for me! I can't do it!"
Me: " hey God! Umm i messed up again! I blurted my mouth all over again! Can you clean it up for me?"
ahh.... the grace and mercy i am discovering that i receive minute by precious minute from our loving Father, all because i have kids that are my greatest gift in mercy, grace, and love.
Why he takes his red bat and smashes it to pieces of course!
My son has not failed to amaze me in his 2 almost 3 years of life. Some people think i am exaggerating when i tell them that the first thing my son crawled to when he learned to crawl was the extension cord and try to bite it. No lie! It was then i realized that this would be my child that would always take me by surprise and not to be shocked by some of the ideas he has. To him they will be reasonable and sensible and though through. To his father and i, they will seem reckless and strange. That got me thinking though. How many times do i do something that seems reckless, strange, and most of all sinful in the sights of my heavenly Father?
In some ways i am picking up that red bat smashing poop everywhere, each time i judge another person for something i don't think they did right, or how about when i decide that i need to tell my frustrations to just ONE more person, because the last 2 just weren't enough?
Smash, smash, smash! Grind, Grind, Grind!
Then comes the best part " Mom! I smashed poop all over!" clean it up for me! I can't do it!"
Me: " hey God! Umm i messed up again! I blurted my mouth all over again! Can you clean it up for me?"
ahh.... the grace and mercy i am discovering that i receive minute by precious minute from our loving Father, all because i have kids that are my greatest gift in mercy, grace, and love.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I don't know if you would want to read this
Today is a day where i am mentally drained and fatigues in my head. I am tired of the constant nagging that my "voice" is telling me i should know better , and i am exhausted in the continual aggravation i have with the repeats that i do. I am drained. I feel depleted and worthless. I have even thought i would be better in hell then here because i just can't seem to get it together. I stare at this screen trying to form the thoughts to explain to my 2 followers why i would even think that way. I have no answer. I believe my thinking has been broken for along time running now. No matter how much i try to think positive, read the Bible, focus on love being a verb, and give my troubles to the Lord. I am still the same. I still am angry. I still feel not worthy of this life i have been given. I search for words to describe my head and all i can come up with is: intelligent but stupid.
I hate that i am this way. Nay loathe. I should be grateful for the redemption that i have received, which i am, but my actions and words to my children would not explain that to anyone with a heartbeat. I am discovering past hurts and insecurities that are still alive in my heart and mind and it grieves me. Why would a girl like me be allowed children? Good friends who encourage, cheer me on, and uplift me no matter how many times i dump on them. Why? I don't deserve them. I don't deserve my husband who has never raised his voice in anger towards me. Who sees me as beautiful, yet all i see are the damages from others.
Again, and again, and again, Jesus forgives me. Again, and again, and again. I am HIS. Again, and again and again. Forever HIS. This broken shell of a woman, mother, wife, sister, friend. Jesus holds me. He soothes me. Reconciles my selfish thoughts and anger with God. He restores my mind for the time being until i tear it down again with disbelief. Again and again and again. My Redeemer.
I hate that i am this way. Nay loathe. I should be grateful for the redemption that i have received, which i am, but my actions and words to my children would not explain that to anyone with a heartbeat. I am discovering past hurts and insecurities that are still alive in my heart and mind and it grieves me. Why would a girl like me be allowed children? Good friends who encourage, cheer me on, and uplift me no matter how many times i dump on them. Why? I don't deserve them. I don't deserve my husband who has never raised his voice in anger towards me. Who sees me as beautiful, yet all i see are the damages from others.
Again, and again, and again, Jesus forgives me. Again, and again, and again. I am HIS. Again, and again and again. Forever HIS. This broken shell of a woman, mother, wife, sister, friend. Jesus holds me. He soothes me. Reconciles my selfish thoughts and anger with God. He restores my mind for the time being until i tear it down again with disbelief. Again and again and again. My Redeemer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
