The WALL

The other day I drove to Laramie WY. to speak to a group of ladies and tell my story. I have done this for the last 9 years of my redemptive life. This trip had a different "feel" for me. Usually when i tell others about my life I can sorta compartmentalize my emotions and feelings and tell it with effect and interest but it doesn't have to touch that wall I've built.
THE WALL.
You know the one. That invisible, secret, indestructible, yet paper thin when just the right words cut deep enough, WALL. That wall, that has deep ravines, and trenches, and booby traps, and grenades all around it. Well, that wall of mine, it got shattered on this particular Tuesday. And it hurts. It sucks. It feels foreign and helpless. It feels...
Feelings suck. They mislead you. They hinder my already fragile sanity and take them on rampant outings to places I wish i never knew. I find myself vulnerable. Usually when i am feeling that way, I'll quickly start patching up the "holes" with cheap alternatives and quick fixes, much like a college student uses toothpaste to cover the holes when he/she moves out of the door room. This time though, I ( finally allow myself to) hear the small quiet voice of my Heavenly Father saying: " Try to heal. Let go. Give it to me." And what to do i say in return? " Give it to you? Are you sure? I can't do that! How can i do that! The only way i know how to survive is to live off of this fear, this guilt ridden existence that I've allowed for so long!" And as i type this I come to a realization that I am sure for many of you have already figured out. I don't know how to function outside of that guilt and hurt and betrayal and lack of self esteem. Who would i be if i gave it all up? How would i reflect my past so eloquently (as some have said I do ) if i don't have the self loathing to back it up?
I sit here and i am reminded of a day where I had been awake for at least 2 and 1/2 days straight with enough cocaine in me to fly a jet plane, and I had just left the room of the 3rd guy i had slept with to get one more" bump " to get me through the day, and I realized that I had no idea what day it was. I was 19. I was alone. I had no one. I lived in dump. I worked at a porn shop. I was a piece of flesh to so many men, and I had allowed it. Why would anyone want me "saved" What good would I do to humanity if i was still in it?

So why do i tell you about this little piece of me? Because I still, in some small but significant ways feel that I am no good to humanity. What have i done to improve it since I said those wonderful words of who Jesus Christ is? I have been selfish. I have been in-just. I have been lazy and in-different. I read the Word. I know how i am to live and then I push it aside. I choose to lay in my pile of crud, my self loathing and hurt and not improve my self. I don't allow God to be God. I am still trying to be my own savior. My own healer. Look how that has turned out.
So, here is a tiny portion of my thoughts that have been in my "wall" for some time.
Don't get me wrong. I love my life i have. I am forever grateful for my life. I am still trying to allow my self to accept it.

The last nail in the coffin

Well, it's official, i believe the last nail in the coffin of becoming my mother happened at 7:57 a.m. this morning.

As Emzie and Shane were getting ready to head out the door to walk to school, Emzie was complaining because she wanted to play on the computer and when i stated that she chose to eat her breakfast for 40 minutes that didn't leave her anytime to play on the computer, she started to get upset and whine, and then the words came: " you're right you have such a hard life, forget the kids in Haiti that have been trapped in homes and schools for 3 days with no water, you getting no computer time is the worst thing ever."

Back in my day the whole statement of " starving kids in Africa" was the line used by parents to make us feel guilty for our waste and selfish behavior, and in less then 3 days i have turned the horrible devastation of Haiti into a tool of guilt.

It's days like these that i am thankful that Our God is not a God of " I told you so's" but a God of (especially in my case) MERCY.

Sweet Mercy. I love that word. On the days where i would be thinking to myself about others " foolish mortal" My God is saying: " Child, that's not a good way. You are better then this. You can try again. I know you can do this and do it this time with MY Love."

I don't know why my brain tends to go to the guilt and manipulative ways first, but I pray that I will start to choose grace and mercy instead. And soon.

My UGH!!!!

Well, anyone that knows me well, knows that i am a "feeler" i feel more then i think. I know that i should think before i feel, but well then i wouldn't be me.
My thoughts right now are on overdrive. I feel myself slipping into my shell again. I feel myself wanting to resist talking about Emzie and working on what we need to do. I know as a parent i need to be my daughters advocate and i want but i feel so inadequately inept and unworthy to be her mother that i am wallowing in self pity and self doubt. Since last Friday my heart aches more so then it ever has. Last Friday we discovered after 2 days of Emzie being in Kindergarten that her teacher had no idea that she was diagnosed with Asperger's. Since then the teacher still seems to be frustrated and not researching any ways in making her time with Emzie easier in her classroom. I am fighting my normal instinct to run and take her out of school but, let me say it's a big forefront on my mind. I am thankful for my God who knows all, is all, and is I AM. I am refreshed in the fact that I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength. I will admit that i forget this fact very, very, very, often and that I tend to listen to satan's voice more then God's sadly because my self worth is so self depreciated that it makes more sense then God's all knowing love and mercy that awaits me always. I know i need to cling to what is good. I will also admit i suck at it. I am mad. I am exhausted. I am humbled. I honestly don't know what else to say except that i will continue to write more on this so that i don't go crazy. Stay tuned and check back often i need this outlet.

The Red Bat

What does a 2 and 1/2 year old boy think to do when he comes across cat poop on our sidewalk?
Why he takes his red bat and smashes it to pieces of course!

My son has not failed to amaze me in his 2 almost 3 years of life. Some people think i am exaggerating when i tell them that the first thing my son crawled to when he learned to crawl was the extension cord and try to bite it. No lie! It was then i realized that this would be my child that would always take me by surprise and not to be shocked by some of the ideas he has. To him they will be reasonable and sensible and though through. To his father and i, they will seem reckless and strange. That got me thinking though. How many times do i do something that seems reckless, strange, and most of all sinful in the sights of my heavenly Father?
In some ways i am picking up that red bat smashing poop everywhere, each time i judge another person for something i don't think they did right, or how about when i decide that i need to tell my frustrations to just ONE more person, because the last 2 just weren't enough?
Smash, smash, smash! Grind, Grind, Grind!
Then comes the best part " Mom! I smashed poop all over!" clean it up for me! I can't do it!"
Me: " hey God! Umm i messed up again! I blurted my mouth all over again! Can you clean it up for me?"
ahh.... the grace and mercy i am discovering that i receive minute by precious minute from our loving Father, all because i have kids that are my greatest gift in mercy, grace, and love.

I don't know if you would want to read this

Today is a day where i am mentally drained and fatigues in my head. I am tired of the constant nagging that my "voice" is telling me i should know better , and i am exhausted in the continual aggravation i have with the repeats that i do. I am drained. I feel depleted and worthless. I have even thought i would be better in hell then here because i just can't seem to get it together. I stare at this screen trying to form the thoughts to explain to my 2 followers why i would even think that way. I have no answer. I believe my thinking has been broken for along time running now. No matter how much i try to think positive, read the Bible, focus on love being a verb, and give my troubles to the Lord. I am still the same. I still am angry. I still feel not worthy of this life i have been given. I search for words to describe my head and all i can come up with is: intelligent but stupid.
I hate that i am this way. Nay loathe. I should be grateful for the redemption that i have received, which i am, but my actions and words to my children would not explain that to anyone with a heartbeat. I am discovering past hurts and insecurities that are still alive in my heart and mind and it grieves me. Why would a girl like me be allowed children? Good friends who encourage, cheer me on, and uplift me no matter how many times i dump on them. Why? I don't deserve them. I don't deserve my husband who has never raised his voice in anger towards me. Who sees me as beautiful, yet all i see are the damages from others.

Again, and again, and again, Jesus forgives me. Again, and again, and again. I am HIS. Again, and again and again. Forever HIS. This broken shell of a woman, mother, wife, sister, friend. Jesus holds me. He soothes me. Reconciles my selfish thoughts and anger with God. He restores my mind for the time being until i tear it down again with disbelief. Again and again and again. My Redeemer.